Lasagna House: A Garfield Story
by Lucas Filoni
Summary: Garfield goes to college.


Coruscant. An entire planet flooded by traffic, buildings, and millions of species cover the endless multi-layered city world. However, this lively world would receive an unwelcoming awakening.

Penetrating through the atmosphere, a heavily damaged Republic assault cruiser rips itself apart in a blazing speed like Applebee's To Go entrees.

Over the horizon, many citizens gawk into the awe as they witness a triangular capital ship shedding off its pieces like slices of burnt pizza. Which is the epitome-potamus of bad.

It smashes through twelve low income apartment complexes, eleven domestic abuse shelters, ten senior citizens, nine puppy forever homes, eight vaccine clinics, seven cancer patients, six children's field trips, five pregnant wives, four rehab centers, three immigrant caravans, two intergalactic monuments, and a prison who let everyone free. A nearby Space Burger King wasn't harmed in this catastrophe. Thank goodness. Nothing of value was lost.

The crash site that will cost up to millions of taxpayer credits landed right beside the Jedi Temple. Many jedi students and teachers instinctively abandoned their instructional lessons to peek with their curiosity of curiousness. With orgasmic ingress, almost all jedi watch with complete shock seeing one manly silhouette carry above them the lucky survivors who were saved from the destruction. The seductively mysterious shadow was none other than our favorite orange cat, Garfield, the jedi transfer college student.

Garfield casually walks of swagger, upholding the personnel of the fallen Republic cruiser who all comprised of female officers, engineers and sexy nurses on his shoulder.

"Garfield, your actions of duty and stud valor saved every one of us female sister sorority ship mates." thanked the miraculously saved and fertilized crew members.

"Ha… Duty." Garfield chuckles through nose and throws the crew members aside like kale.

A jedi padawan in despair tumbles in front of Garfield's giant swollen feet, grabbing onto his meat poll legs for life. Garfield poses accordingly.

"Have you seen my master?! He was aboard that ship." Said the wimpy padawan.

"Is he a man?" Garfield asks.

"I guess."

Garfield looks back at the explosion without using his eyes. "Not my problem." Garfield shrugs as the jedi padawan dies from the flaming hot fire.

After Garfield's exciting, soon to be retconned adventure of wonder, he decides to walk down the jedi temple hallways, confident in his tactical timing of schedule. He enjoys taking this route to ponder about his life goals and the double infinite amounts of breeding he shall do once he graduates from jedi college. "Oh boy, I can't wait to breed." Garfield's mind ponders loudly to himself.

As he approaches the doors on time, Garfield walks into his classroom just how he did in his highschool years: by grinding every desk on the classroom and airs 69,666 frontside ollies transitioning from one desk to the other.

"Garfield! Where have you been?!" Barked the female dog Obi Wan Kenobi.

"Godliness is next to Tardiness. If you knew that, Qui Gon would still be teaching us." Garfield smugs while handing out free churros in class.

Obi Wan steams with rage as the class munches and makes a unified "OOOOOOO!" at the teacher.

"THAT'S IT! I will not be humiliated like this you… you… orange… delinquent!" Obi Wan shouts.

Someone stands up in the classroom. "YO! Watch the language, teach. Garfield doesn't deserve that type of language."

"Thanks Lowbacca." Garfield gives a thumbs up.

"No worries, dawg. However, I'm just a figment of your imagination because of that college weed you been smoking." Lowbacca says as he fades out of existence.

"Oh Yeah. That's right. I'm faded. I'm gonna take a nap." Garfield talks out loud.

"If you do Garfield, I'll give everyone a pop-quiz." Obi Wan threatens.

"Done." Garfield finishes before the quiz was given. He hands them all to Obi Wan like carpet bombers dropping their load onto Obi Wan's chest, hands, and face.

"Well, I hope you studied for the _**BIG Exam**_ that's coming up. Garfield." Obi Wan snickers like the candy bar.

"_**BIG Exam**_? Oh no!" Garfield stoically panics.

"That's right Garfield. If you don't pass this. I get to hold you back to College Kindergarten."

"Uh oh! I won't get to move on with cool jedi classmates like Coleman Trebor."

"For the last time Garfield, Coleman Trebor is dead!" Obi Wan destroys Garfield's delusions as he places a framed portrait of the fallen jedi face down.

"He's not dead to me!" Garfield defiantly uses a finger and a thumb with a shape of an "L" on his forehead. Along with a side order of middle fingers and walks out of class.

Just as Garfield departed from his classroom in a storming fashion, someone shouts at our italian cat-stallion.

"Yo, what's good Garfield?" Coleman Trebor points at Garfield.

"Hey Coleman Trebor." Garfield waves as he conveniently approaches his estrogen ridden friend, Anakin Skywalker. "I can't believe Obi Wan can be so niggardly with our grades." Garfield pouts with manly philosophy.

"Um, Garfield. I don't think you're using that word in the right context." Anakin thinks exactly what the audience is thinking.

"Look it up." Garfield says.

"You know what, I will, Garfield." Anakin challenges Garfield's challenge, spending two stressful weeks of hard laboring research in the jedi library. Anakin's hands shake profusely of frustration after rechecking every archive he could get hands on. The jedi chief librarian Jocasta Nu, a wise and knowledgeable person runs up to Skywalker with extreme concern. "Master Skywalker! What you've been seeking is folly! If it doesn't exist, then it is not in our sacred archives!" she shouts.

"I know it's in here. You're just hiding it from me, Master Nu. Bring me more books!" Anakin demanded.

"Master Skywalker, I beg of you. This has driven you to madness. The word 'niggardly', does not exis-"

"By the force. I've found it. I'VE FINALLY FOUND IT!" Anakin cheers as he rushes out of the room with eureka in pant.

"Turns out you were right." said the withered Anakin.

"I'm always right. Now what are we gonna do about this test coming up?" Garfield thinks as he and Anakin walk inside the college school bus.

"I don't how to study for this _**BIG Exam**_, Garfield. As a matter of fact. I don't know what studying is?" said the Special Ed kid Anakin.

"Well… are you smart?" cleverly asks Garfield.

"I think so." Anakin replied.

"Spell 'IT' then."

"S-M-A-R-T"

"You're not smart. Ya Bonehead." Garfield Bonks him on the head.

"You're right Garfield, I needed that." Anakin soothes his ouchie mark.

"We need someone who can tutor us on that _**BIG Exam**_. But who…" Garfield ponders with silent.

"Aw snap! Superintendent Dean Principal Yoda's driving the bus!" Quinlan Vos shouts.

It was Yoda, looking over his tiny shoulder and smiling of jolly goodness at Garfield.

"Pop goes the green womp rat. Yoda?" Garfield couldn't believe his unsurprised surprise.

"MMMMMMM, driving the bus I am. Fun hobby, lawyer recommended." Yoda smiled. "Heard problem you had. Yoda will help. Within legal boundaries. MMMMMM."

"Yoda, could you teach us how to pass the _**BIG Exam**_?" Garfield asked of politeness like asking for fifths at barbeque.

"MMMMMMM, Yoda cannot. Only principal i am. Enforce the rules, I have to." Yoda sadly admits. "And driving school bus."

"Aww, really Yoda?" Garfield frowns slyly. "You don't wanna have a good time with me and this… Colt 45?"Garfield holds onto the canned beer like a magical glass slipper.

"HMMMM? Bippity Boppity Beer you have?" Yoda gets the shivers.

"All yours, if you can help me." Garfield lightly shakes the can.

"Help you then, I shall. But first. Toss the beer." Yoda obliges as Garfield gives him a 6-pack casing of Colt 45, which he easily shotguns into his mouth.

"Works Everytime." Garfield Sponsors.

Yoda crushes a can on his ridged forehead. "Yoda feel alive like summer of '87. Lots female Yodas in dark side bikinis. MMMMMM." Yoda day dreams as the space bus goes into hyperspace. "Kill space whales I must. Left me for Space Whale she did!"

"Aw snap Garfield! You shouldn't have done that. Yoda just got out of parole and you messed it up for him." Quinlan Vos snaps.

"Again?" Garfield sounded somewhat confused for a moment.

Yoda punched hyperdrive so deep, the bus went into the forbidden "ULTRA MEGA HYPERSPACE MODE."

"Garfield, we're possibly gonna die!" Anakin shrieks with XX chromosome.

"Not if I feel like it." Garfield grabs Anakin like surfboard and dips out of the bus like cowabunga.

In sudden next scene like George Lucas sideswipe from Star Wars, Garfield and Anakin smash into the horn people planet Dathomir. Like angry baby of testosterone demanding lasagna milk from man making mommy.

"Gee wiz Garfield, this place gives me the heebie jeebies! This is totally un-wizard man!" Anakin's legs cowers like weakly woman wanting another round of Garfield's stud bod.

"Remain vigilant, Skywalker. I can almost sense someone's presence… a hostile presence." Garfield squints eyes like racial stereotype. Beyond the distance, shadows swarm the path of our heroes as the menacing figures reveal themselves to be infamous Nightsisters of Dathomir. "Garfield, you have entered sacred indigenous grounds. Leave now or you shall die. Comprende?" said the head honcho Nightsister.

"Close your eyes God and forgive me for what I must do." Garfield tragically says as he decimates the mentally ill/pale skinned Nightsisters.

Garfield was giving beatdowns like when daddy drinks too much. Garfield dusts off his paws with ease and turns back at the bloodshed. "Silly nightsisters. The only thing you bring to the table are Lasagna Sandwiches."

"We apologize for our actions Garfield! It won't happen again." Said the dead Nightsisters floating away as their ghost counterparts.

Anakin pops up from some rock pebbles like one eyed snake. "Nice job killing those dummies Garfield. I found out where we can find some answers. All we have to do is head to Mother Talzin's wizard cave of Darkside badassery." Anakin said.

"Thank you Annie, maybe you're usefulness has proven some worth. You are no longer woman to my standards." Garfield gives slight respect to his coolsauce friend and continue on.

Garfield observes two tightly narrow mountains leading a path to a tiny cave. He pushes through the mountain pass like saloon doors and enters the hidden cave.

"Ew gross! What's that smell, Garfield?" Anakin covers all his holes.

"Smells of beauty like woman, but corrupted by yeast. We are near the nastiest of snatches." Garfield expositions of poetry.

"And you are right Garfield!" gaggled the ominous Mother Talzin.

With instinct Anakin unleashes his lightsaber and charges the chief Nightsister. "Garfield! I shall protect you!" he roars of kitten, only to be shoved aside like annoyed outdoorsman swatting fly.

"Foolish chosen one, you are nowhere manly and strong enough to face me like Garfield." Mother Talzin tears down Anakin's fragile ego.

"Hey! I at least have the Audacity to not tell it to their face!" Garfield gets angry for his fallen friend.

"Thanks Garfield, you're the bestest friend ever." Anakin cries like tears of trail.

"Maybe later. Right now I have a fish to fry. And the batter is my fist to your balls." Garfield swings a fist at the demented Nightsister.

"Ouch! Garfield you have temporarily defeated me. What do you want?" Mother Talzin writhes in shattered overesticles (A.K.A the lady balls. That's right. I know alot about female's anatomy. I make sure my females are really represented in this thanks to my mom and her new boyfriend. Thanks mommy!)

"Okay. Can YOU teach me how to pass my Exam, or am I gonna teach you to make me a BLT. Hold the L." Garfield cracks his knuckles in unfamiliar shapes, yet not breaking a single bone.

As Mother Talzin suspiciously takes a long amount of time to respond, she concoctions a mysterious alchemy in her bong. "I'll tell how to pass the _**BIG Exam**_, if ya smoke my bong first." Mother Talzin jingles like keys for dog Odie.

"No bong can fade this cat. Pass the boof now." Garfield demands with his meaty veiny paws of manliness.

"Hehehe, with pleasure." Mother Talzin hands with pleasurably.

"Hold on Garfield. I didn't like the way she suspiciously giggled like that." Anakin detects.

"Relax." Garfield says mid inhale after continuously sucking a hay bail's worth of kush stored in his lugs.

"Here Garfield have some more." Mother Talzin happily gives more to Garfield.

As Garfield blows out one hardy exhale, he could not believe how high he was. For the first time. Garfield was high. "Wow. This is pretty strong stuff. Did you grow this yourself?" Garfield asks in high.

"Yes! My Nightsister weed is the strongest in the galaxy! Once you're high, you can never sober after its effects. Now you will die! Hahaha!" Mother Talzin laughs of evil.

"GARRRRRRRFIEEEEELD!" Anakin wails like faulty woman as it's the last thing Garfield could hear, blacking out of existence.

"Brother Garfield?" said a soft voice as Garfield began to awake in the high realm of the highest order. "You've come back to us so soon?" another one asks.

"Sup Whills, I wasn't expecting to come soon either. That Nightsister weed was really powerful." Garfield rubs his head.

"Ah, Of course brother Garfield. No worries at all. But how may we help you return to reality once again?" asked one of the Whills

"Remember that solid you owed me? I'm looking for you to return a solid for me." Garfield flexes with persuasion.

"Of course, friend. Anything for a brother who got his homies out of the hood after that major battle on Atraken." The Whills raise their fists in the air.

"Word up. By the way, A feline thirsty, got anything to quench my thirst?" Garfield rubs his tummy full of high.

"Here's a luke warm water bottle." said one of the Whills as Garfield takes a long sip of water.

"Quench up, my Whills." Garfield holds the hands of his brothers as his conscious snaps back to reality. Witnessing a horrified Mother Talzin.

"What? You're supposed to be dead!" Mother Talzin squelches in fear.

"No Way Jose. No one tries to kill me and gets away with it." Garfield grins, "Prepare for die, tweaker." In mere seconds, all of the Whills teleport around the Nightsister with swiftness as they prepare for a beatdown of the century.

One of the force sentients grabs her head and plants her face on a cement corner. Another one smashes her down, curb stomping her with their combat boots. Soon others begin to join in the pulping as her body had turn into mush like meat sauce for pasta.

In celebration, The Whills shout out their victory chant. "FORCE POWER. FORCE POWER. FORCE POWER." Yelled the force sentients in unison along with presenting unique hand gestures in the air.

"Garfield, would you care to join us in celebration?" One of the Whills ask with empathy.

"No thanks. I gotta figure out how to pass my _**BIG Exam**_ or else Obi _Whine_ will flunk me." Garfield sads.

"Oh, Obi Wan? What a hard ass."

"I know."

"Well good luck Garfield and may the force be with you." Finished the Whills

"And Lasagna with you as well." Garfield bows like ronin.

Later on, Anakin and Garfield travel through a male zabrak refugee camp where much labor is produced by suffering men work and have non-consensual naughty time in the sheets.

"Poor souls. What hell is this?" Garfield feels pity toward his fellow man.

"The roles are reversed here Garfield. Nagging Women are the alpha species and our kind are the beta Jons." Anakin expresses with guilt.

"Well balls, Time to liberate these men." Said Garfield as he crotch punches every Nightsister slaver and karate chops off every shackle with his organic _Lasagnasaber_.

"Thank you Garfield for saving us men!" The zabrak men said in unison.

"It is my civil duty to save ALL men in peril. Now who can help me pass this _**BIG Exam**_?" Garfield liberates like Harriet Tubman but cooler.

"I can!" said a yellow skinned man named Savage Opress. (No really! I'm not trying to be racist at all!)

The yellow skinned man approaches Garfield with kneeling. "You're wish is my command."

"Typical beta Jon behavior. Just tell me how to pass the _**BIG Exam**_?"

"Garfield. You must understand, that real knowledge… has been inside you all along." Savage Opress looks into Garfield's eyes like aspiring manly badass brute he will soon become.

After some thinking, Garfield understood what he was talking about. "You provide words of wisdom. Like alphabet soup. You may be a beta, but if you keep this up, you shall soon oppress other people one day." Garfield foreshadows while everyone laughs. Including Anakin who is also there.

"Garfield, How will we get back to Coruscant? The _**BIG Exam**_ is gonna start in ten minutes!" Anakin panics like nerd.

"Don't worry Garfield and girly friend. I called you an UBER." Savage Opress said as a giant frigate lands behind them.

"Jump in!" yelled the captain of the vessel.

"Wise choice, Savage. I shall invite you to my house party at Jon's." Garfield expresses with cool.

"See ya then Garfield. My fellow sith friend." Savage Opress waves goodbye.

Garfield grabs Anakin once again and spins him like a helicopter.

"To Coruscant." pointed Garfield.

"Sure thing boss. Would like also like some water? Or maybe Junior Mints?" politely asked the captain.

"An honorable offering, but I must stay focused for my final task." Garfield focuses like hawk.

The captain nods as he prepares for hyperspace.

"Just like Avatar Last Airbender: Going Ghost!" Garfield shouts as the frigate shoots into the womb of hyperspace like a phantom.

Coming out of super quick hyperspeed, the UBER frigate collides through the side of the temple, but when it touches Obi Wan's classroom by the molecule, it quietly opens the door, allowing Garfield and Anakin to sneak in like Seal Team 6 for mice.

"Don't worry Garfield, this ride is on the house!" Shouted the captain in a quiet voice. Garfield belches a thank you in silence.

"Alright class. Pencils out and keep your pants shut, **Garfield**." Obi Wan stared at the distractingly handsome feline. Garfield shoots a snot rocket at master Kenobi with marksman precision. "Virgin." Garfield smirks.

Once the tests were passed out, Garfield picked up the pencil and went along with Anakin in the dead of midnight and through the next two days of nonstop writing. The two students had studied hard to pass this test once and for all. Just then, Anakin looked at Garfield. "Are you sure we're doing the right thing?" Anakin asks with concern in his voice. "Don't worry. We'll take this on together." Garfield says sharing 1% of empathy toward his jedi friend. Garfield pulls out a pillow and suffocates the exams while it gasps for air. Meanwhile, Anakin unholsters a silenced PPK semi-automatic pistol. Lining his iron sights at the head of their exams. "Do it Annie. This is your final step to become a true man. Just like me." Garfield winks. Anakin nods with approval as he presses the tip of the barrel against the pillow. BLAM! BLAM! Two bullets pierce through the useless feathers like paper as the exams are lifeless. "There...it's done." Anakin sighs with relief.

"Good... let's turn in our tests." Garfield throws away the pillow like evidence and hands them in to Obi Wan.

In sudden suspense, Obi Wan clears the blood off the paper and anal-yzes their result.

"I… I'm shocked… You two really put the blood and sweat in your work." Obi Wan stares with speechless. "I mean...you are 'smart' and you spelled 'IT'. Whoa. Didn't see that coming."

"So how bout it, teach?" Garfield flips a chocolate coin in the air.

"You two pass the _**BIG Exam**_ with an E+ which is higher than an A+!" Obi Wan dabs.

"Epic. Hey everyone. Party at my place. Jon's cleaning up." Garfield says as he's carried in the air by his classmates and go to his house.

At the party, all of Garfield's "friends" arrive. But he doesn't really care at the moment because he is making out with Senator Padme Amidala in her bikini of sexy.

"Wow Senator, that bikini will look good on your daughter." Garfield hints.

"But I don't have one yet." Padme says in confused.

"Yet." Garfield looks at the audience.

Padme giggles, "So Garfield, my love. Was there anything important you learned today?"

"Of course, slut. When it comes to moral values, Obey them with extreme prejudice." Garfield learns the moral of the story.

"I love a man who follows orders." Padme kisses Garfield on cheek.

"Yeah. Garfield's orders. Now let's get busy." Garfield attempts to have naughty time but is cock blocked by Chancellor Palpatine.

"Wazzup, Garfield! It's an awesome party bro!" The Chancellor says with cool stunner shades. "I will watch your career very closely. Who knows. You may prove to be a valuable ally in the future." Palpatine winks.

"Oh, I know what you're talking about." Responded Garfield.

"Wait, you do?"

"Of course I do." Garfield winks back and taps his head as a dense metallic sound could be heard in Garfield's head. "I follow my own _Orders._"

"That's really wizard, Garfield. You know Garfield.. I'm pretty cool myself … you might say I'm a… GRAND Wizard. Heyo!" Palpatine shotguns his 66th Colt 45.

Garfield smiles along as he has sex with Senator Padme Amidala in public like crazy college kids do.

"Aw snap! Garfield's bangin' the Senator on the beer pong table! Let's cheer him on!" Quinlan Vos shouts aloud as the whole party chants Garfield's name like sports stadium.

"GARFIELD! GARFIELD! GARFIELD!"

As the cheering went on throughout the entire night, Garfield was satisfied after an amazing first day of college. As well as making his final mark on Padme's face.

"Oooo, that's a lot of midichlorians, Garfield." blushed the freshly fatigued Padme.

"I am the force, and the force is with me." Garfield raises his arm to salute in American jedi freedom while peers celebrated into the end of story.

_**The End, **_


End file.
